Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you’ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!

My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.

How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.

I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don’t you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!

You need to log on to the window repair website! I did – but it gave me a pane!

Where is Pinocchio’s website? On the splinternet.

Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood?