I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof,

There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to

The five most constipated people in the Bible:1. Cain-who wasn’t able.2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over…”So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?””Why, I’ve been to the pub of course”

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding? To keep the flies off the bride!

5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!1. You’re bald your entire life.2. You have a hole in your head.3. You live between two nuts.4. An asshole lives behind you.5. When you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.