Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they’re out of there-Charlie Viracola

I never actually grapsed the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld