I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite…..one jar!

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn’t work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can’t get my wife to go swimming!

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date butunfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Having a dog is great, it’s just the ‘dog people’ that freak me out. “Oh, look at her, she’s precious,just like Mommy.” Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples – it ain’t leaving the house.

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.He told me that he walked out because the guyasked me for my name and i said”Paddy Milligan”. He said “How do you spell”Milligan”?